I feel like I’m in the majority of individuals in recovery. Relapse (and the steps taken to get back in the rooms) is a big part of my story. I’ve been in and out of the rooms/treatment for 6 years now. I think I’ve met 5 people that claim that they just “stopped drinking and never picked up again”…and listening to at least 2 of them had my bullshit meter spiking. My DOC is alcohol. Aside from the occasional puff on a joint while playing disc golf, I don’t have any experience with other substances. So I cannot speak to the ease of relapse for those. The problem with alcohol is that it is so pervasive in our society. When I grew up in Pennsylvania, you could only buy beer at a distributer and liquor at a state run liquor store. Now, in some states, you can buy liquor anywhere that has a pharmacy. It’s truly surprising that you can’t buy beer at McDonald’s at this point since I’ve found it at several breakfast places at this point. So it’s a daily struggle to not let that bad day just push me over the edge.
My story starts with being bullied in high school, clinical depression, and Greek life in college. Combine all those factors…and I came out an alcoholic. As any psychologist will tell you, it’s difficult for anti-depressants to have any effect when you’re burying them underneath a depressant. I thought that I was doing ok because I wasn’t feeling sad while I was drinking. But it took years (and a significant number of therapy appointments) to realize that while I wasn’t feeling bad, I wasn’t feeling good either. I was numb, mute, completely unfeeling. And I existed in this state for almost 7 years until I lost someone very dear to me. This drove me into a hole too deep to drink myself out of. There was no amount of liquor that I could put in my system to get back to my “comfort zone” of numbness. I was going to drink myself to death. So, with the help of my family, I was able to pull the ripcord and check into a rehab facility. That treatment program lasted 30 days, and I moved back to my old apartment. I went to some meetings but never really got fully invested in working the program. I just white knuckled it. This strategy lasted about 3 months before I had a stressful day at work. I drove home, passed the liquor store, did a U-turn, and was drinking a 1/5 of scotch about 5 minutes later.
I quickly got back to my pattern of drinking and existed-ish for about 2 years until I had to be hospitalized with pancreatitis. This time, I went to a 10 week program and then moved into a halfway house. I had to find a sponsor, home group, and job in 3 weeks or else face getting kicked out. But after that, there wasn’t a lot of oversight. So I started to slowly slip off the wagon. I stopped going to daily meetings. I only really met/spoke with my sponsor maybe 2x a week. I only went to home group meetings which for me was just Wednesdays. The group met Wednesdays and Saturdays, but I was waiting tables so Saturdays were a no go. I had to make money! I moved into my own place with a roommate who “chose to be sober”. I later learned that he just needed a place to stay and faked it so he could get on the lease. The “chosen sobriety” faded shortly afterwards. The inevitable happened and I picked back up. 6 months later, I spiraled out of control. In peculiar moments of lucidity I would tell myself that I needed to go back to rehab or some form of treatment. But those were few and far between. I was drunk 24/7 for at least 6 weeks before I finally called my parents black out drunk and woke up to a text saying that they’d be there soon to help me pack up. I went to a 7 day detox and then decided to go to a more structured sober living program called Peace and Purpose. Some call it a 3/4 house. It’s still a group home but it has a more structured approach. While it seemed tedious at first, we were very limited in what we were able to do outside of the house and the program. I have seen the benefit though. During the first “phase” of residence we meet daily for a morning check in, volunteer at local non-profits/ charity groups, do activities as a group, and attend meetings every night. It’s a great way to establish a schedule that promotes good recovery and fosters community both in the house and in the local area. I’m hopeful that this time will actually stick and I feel like I’m in the best place to build a solid foundation for my recovery.
-M.D.